She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Are we still banned from the library?
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
