My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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