If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
Randomize
