Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
