Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
i mean i'm ok with bufu but if i'm gonna do it it needs to be a mutual agreement, and there are steps that need to be taken. you don't just go OOPS we're doing it now
She does have a great personality.
Yeah, in her vagina.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
