i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
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