you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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