I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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