he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
