So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
Randomize
