gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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