The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
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