you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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