I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
