Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
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