I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Ladies don't puke and tell
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
Randomize
