Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
His dick is magical but I don't want to die in this blizzard do you see my dilemma
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Randomize
