I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
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