i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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