This is not my ceiling
i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Randomize
