giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Randomize
