Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
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