I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
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