There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Randomize
