u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
Randomize
