My first STD was from a foam party
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
Randomize
