were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Randomize
