I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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