I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
