Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
