We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
well you're talking to a woman who had glorious sex less than 24 hrs ago so my opinion is biased.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
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