Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
