Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Randomize
