my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
i've created a new STD.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
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