Already got asked if we're dating
You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
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