I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
