If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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