I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
