These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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