im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
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