How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
I could make wine with my vomit
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Randomize
