i'm signing you up for texting rehab
i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
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