If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
