I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
We were destined to go to rehab together
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
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