I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
