I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
