remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
40s are totally the cure
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Randomize
