I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Randomize
