You smell like stripper and shame
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
