if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
